


Ikea recommends...

by Queenofthebees



Category: A Song of Ice and Fire & Related Fandoms, A Song of Ice and Fire - George R. R. Martin, Game of Thrones (TV)
Genre: Everyone knows what he is doing, F/M, I Don't Even Know, IKEA Shopping, Jon testing out the products for sexy times, Shop assistant Theon, blame Amy, even sansa
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-02-02
Updated: 2018-02-02
Packaged: 2019-03-12 17:31:48
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,387
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13552215
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Queenofthebees/pseuds/Queenofthebees
Summary: “Can I help you sir?” he asked politely, placing his hands behind his back and standing professionally tall. The man shook his head, shoving his hands in his pockets. Theon smirked, running his fingers along the edge of the surface. “If I may say so sir, this may not be tall enough for your intended purposes.”“Wha…what?” the customer spluttered, eyes widening. Theon nodded, frowning thoughtfully at the furniture around them.“I assume you are looking for a surface on which to fuck someone, my good sir?”





	Ikea recommends...

**Author's Note:**

  * For [Amymel86](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Amymel86/gifts).
  * Inspired by [#LockedInLovers](https://archiveofourown.org/works/13281918) by [Amymel86](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Amymel86/pseuds/Amymel86). 



> I'm sorry this is so short Amy.  
> I think this A-Z had literally dried up all my smut abilities haha  
> Hope you still like it though!

After months of dating, Sansa was used to the fact that Jon went into his own world when he was reading something. The whole flat could be burning down and he would still be sitting in front of the computer or staring at his phone with his adorable furrowed brow.

“Hey Sans,” he called suddenly as she finished the washing up and wiped her hands on the towel.

“Yeah?” she said, coming through to stand in the doorway. Jon was still staring at his screen, a hand running through his beard absent-mindedly.

“Do you have, like…a dressing table?”

“A dressing table?” she echoed, frowning as Jon nodded to himself, still not even glancing at her as he continued.

“Or a sturdy side table.”

“Like that one?” she asked, pointing to the table on the other side of the sofa. Jon reached out, shoving it slightly with his hand. He hummed, staring at it for a few moments before shaking his head.

“No, it has to be around this tall,” he muttered, holding his hand to around his crotch area. "And sturdier."

“Why?”

“Where is your nearest Ikea?” he asked suddenly, fingers already moving across the keyboard. Sansa blinked a couple of times, waiting for him to say something else but his attention was back on the computer. She shrugged, returned through to the kitchen to make herself a coffee.

***

Theon was always bored at work. He was not someone who did well with quiet periods where there were either no customers or customers not needing any help. He was a social creature and had a short attention span, always needing something to occupy his mind and make his day go a little faster.

And so, when he spotted an opportunity to spice up his day he took it.

And today had provided such an opportunity as he watched the dark-haired man walking around the tables.

That in itself hadn’t been what had drawn Theon’s attention. No, the fact he was looking at tables was nothing extraordinary in an Ikea store after all. However, the quick glances he was making around the store had been intriguing to Theon, his eyes narrowing at the strange behaviour. However, when the man felt like nobody was watching, he would shove the table a little, his hands would run over the surface as though to test the smoothness.

Theon had had enough raunchy sex sessions with his hook-ups to know _exactly_ what this guy was doing. He grinned to himself, straightening his tie as he made his way over to the man. He cleared his throat as he watched the customer run his hand over an oaken side table.

The man jumped, cheeks flushing as he turned to meet Theon’s gaze.

“Can I help you sir?” he asked politely, placing his hands behind his back and standing professionally tall. The man shook his head, shoving his hands in his pockets. Theon smirked, running his fingers along the edge of the surface. “If I may say so sir, this may not be tall enough for your intended purposes.”

“Wha…what?” the customer spluttered, eyes widening. Theon nodded, frowning thoughtfully at the furniture around them.

“I assume you are looking for a surface on which to fuck someone, my good sir?”

“I…I… _what_?”

“Uh-huh I thought so,” Theon continued with a sniff, ignoring the man’s blatantly pointless protests and stepping up to a rocking chair behind the man. He pushed the chair slightly, looking back over to the customer.

“Now sir, I recommend a rocking chair as it is unlikely to break when the lady is riding you to within an inch of your life,” Theon stated, smirking as the man stepped forward slightly and reached to push at the chair. “Although, maybe put it against a wall or closed door, so you don’t stumble backwards when she gets a bit too into it, you know.”

He threw the man a wink and nudged his shoulder. The customer grunted but nodded along. Theon could tell he had made a mental note. He raised his hand, flicking it a couple of times to motion for the man to follow him to another table. He tapped the surface proudly as he turned to face the man again.

“This table is also a good option. Not too damaging to the bank account at just thirty pounds and not too big so it won’t take up too much space,” he explained before he curled his palm around the edges and shook it a little. “But as you can see it is rather robust, more than capable of withstanding a pounding.”

The customer made a sound of rapt interest, hand running through his beard as he studied the item. Theon grinned just as a voice cut through the air, causing him to jump.

“Theon!”

“Oberyn, how can I help?” Theon replied, grinning at his assistant manager.

Oberyn stopped in front of him, frowning at Theon and then the table and then back to Theon with a look of blatant judgement. Theon swallowed at the look, preparing himself to be called into the office when his manager sighed.

“Tables and chairs, really?” he said, giving the customer a pointed look before he shook his head at Theon in disappointment. “I expected better service than that.”

“Oh he has been helpful,” the customer cut in.

“Yes yes, I am sure his customer service has been excellent,” Oberyn replied with a wave. “But if you want a true thrill then I personally recommend banging in a wardrobe.”

“A wardrobe?” the man choked out at the same time Theon smacked a hand to his head.

“A wardrobe, of course,” he muttered, shaking his head in disappointment at himself as Oberyn nodded.

“The darkness heightens all the senses.”

Theon glanced behind the customer as a red-headed woman sauntered up to them, her hand resting on the customer’s shoulder.

“Hey sweetie, what are you looking at?”

“Nothing,” he replied, cheeks flushing as he cleared his throat. The woman grinned, her eyes sparkling and Theon exchanged a look with Oberyn. The woman clearly knew what her partner had been up to as well, but was hiding it.

“Theon I’m going on my lunch,” Oberyn stated suddenly turning to leave. He paused for a second, leaning over to whisper so only Theon could hear. “A fiver says they’ll be banging somewhere in store within the hour.”

“A tenner says he won’t keep it in his pants within the next ten minutes.”

***

“What are you doing?” Jon gasped out as Sansa shoved him into a small alcove, hidden by the curtain displays. She grinned, tugging his lips down to hers as she shoved him back against the wall.

“I know exactly why you were asking for a sturdy side table Jon Snow,” she muttered against his lips. “You’ve been reading fanfiction about us haven’t you?”

“Guilty,” he grinned, leaning forward to capture her mouth once more.

He groaned as she parted her lips, her hands running through his hair while he cupped her ass in one hand, the other tugging desperately at her braid. He liked to think they wouldn’t have been stupid enough to go much further than a cheeky make-out session but the ripping sound of a curtain being drawn, the sudden light put a stop to everything regardless.

Sansa jumped out of his arms as Jon blinked sheepishly up at the man towering above them with a stern expression, hands clasped behind his back.

“I am Tywin, the manager here,” he stated in his deep, authoritative voice as he frowned at them. Jon could see the shop assistant from before, Theon as he recalled, behind him, giving him two thumbs up and a shit-eating grin. Tywin turned his head and Theon immediately started shaking his head in a show of disgust.

“I’m really sorry,” Sansa started but the manager held his hand up.

“I must ask you to leave the premises,” he stated firmly. Theon nodded his head enthusiastically but after a few seconds threw Jon a wink and another thumbs up.

Jon grabbed Sansa’s hand, tugging her quickly out of their hiding place and walking quickly through the aisles towards the doors. Sansa giggled to herself, as she turned to him.

“So…you’re okay with shopping in Homebase from now on right?”


End file.
